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Title: Shadows of Destiny
Genre: YA fantasy
First Page:
Taylor took one long, deep breath before opening the door to her own personal hell.
Two dozen heads turned to look at her as she walked in, then the whispers began.
“Why doesn’t she just stay home?” one girl said.
“I swear, I shiver every time I look into her eyes,” a boy whispered.
“Then don’t! I bet she’d curse you,” his friend said next to him.
A few students laughed.
Taylor ignored the snickering, she was used to it. She walked past the staring eyes with her head held high. She wouldn’t acknowledge them. Wouldn’t show how they affected her.
Sitting at her desk, she carefully pulled out an envelope, but flinched when she heard a grunt from behind her. Turning her head slowly, wary, she saw a pretty blonde girl smiling at her.
“Yes?” Taylor asked, realizing the girl was trying to get her attention.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Go right ahead.” Taylor responded, annoyed. She hardly expected a sleep over invitation.
“What’s it like having a murderer for a father?” the girl said more loudly, her smile never leaving her face. Taylor didn’t recognize this girl. She realized she must be new in town, already jumping on the bandwagon. She learns fast, Taylor thought.
A dozen responses ran through Taylor’s mind, “What’s it like being a total…”– no, no need for another trip the office. “It’s great! He taught me how to skin a human right before he died. I really like your pigmentation, by the way.” She held back a laugh. But then she stopped and really thought about the question.
“I don’t have a father,” she finally said.
That really was how it felt most of the time. Her father died when she was 4 years old, now at 17 it’s like he never existed. He’s just a ghost. All he’s ever been able to do is haunt her.
The bell rang to signal the start of class, cutting her riveting conversation with the girl behind her short. Mr. Macintyre, a large man with a bushy gray beard, stood to face the class. He began babbling on about some famous historian.
It didn’t take long for Taylor’s thoughts to float away from the teacher in front of her to the students surrounding her. She couldn’t for her life figure out why people hated her the way they did.
Even when she was 4 years old she had heard the whispers, saw the looks. Sometimes she wished she had been younger, like her brother Caleb, when her father died. Young enough that she couldn’t remember. Then she could have escaped the nasty rumors that followed their family after the crash. But then she wouldn’t remember her father’s kind eyes.
She didn’t believe for a second what they said about him. Caleb didn’t have that luxury. At least she knew if her father wasn’t the monster they made him out to be, maybe she wasn’t either.
Beyond The Hourglass Bridge 
Hi,
It is incredibly well written and I am definitely hooked.
I understand you don't want to give away how Taylor is different but it seems awkward that she is being ostracized for something her dad did when she was four (which reminds me don't use numerals for short numbers like 4). Also, you mentioned a crash. That kind of takes the sting away from my expectations. I was expecting him to be wizard excellentia gone rogue or dragon-man or something.
Needs a slight bit of editing with the use of 'ly's (We all do), but your prose is awesome and may the force be strong with you.
I really got hooked with your beginning. It's an interesting idea for sure.
I did get a little confused at the end:
“She didn't believe for a second what they said about him. Caleb didn't have that luxury. At least she knew if her father wasn't the monster they made him out to be, maybe she wasn't either.”
I know you're talking about Taylor in the last sentence but I thought it was Caleb and had to go back and check the mc's name. I think you'd be okay to say “…Taylor knew…” just for clarity.
An intriguing start – a girl who lives in the shadow of her father who is a murderer. She's tough and it's obvious she stands up for herself, plus I really like that she uses humour to deal with tough situations. Well played out. This read smooth. I'm not too clear on where the plot is going, or what is it yet, but I'd keep reading because I like the voice.
Just a couple of small things:
I struggle to believe the kids at her school would teaser her so much for something that happened when they were 4 years old. Sure, they might whisper behind her back as being the girl with a murderer of a father, but would a girl really ask such a question so many years later? Just seems a bit strange, but it could be just me.
Also, would she really remember things she heard from when she was 4? I can't remember anything from when I was that young. I can't even remember what I said yesterday…hehe
It didn’t take long for Taylor’s thoughts to float away from the teacher (in front of her) to the students surrounding her. – the words in brackets can be removed as we already know he's in front of her.
The bell rang to signal the start of class, cutting her riveting conversation (with the girl behind her) short. – the words in brackets can be removed as this is already obvious.
Thank you! I really needed to hear that it's well written. I've been super paranoid with a lack of response from agents (even though I know its still early for that. I've just started querying, really) Anyway, thanks. Sometimes encouragment is just as important as critisim.
Thanks, I'll try to fix that!
Thanks,
I know there is really no point in defending myself (its how you percieved it and that's whats important) Maybe I'll try to pull the focus away from her father and more onto her so it doesn't seem so odd. They don't like her in general, it just started with her father. They think she is just like him.
Anyway thanks, you've got me thinking now!
I liked the first line and I love the tension in the whispers. I really feel like I’m walking in with her. You then have two filter phrases which pull me out of that a bit. ‘She heard’ and ‘she saw’ stick out because suddenly you’re the narrator again. If you were that person you wouldn’t think ‘I’m seeing this/hearing this’ you would just acknowledge whatever it was. i.e. … but flinched at a grunt beside her.
Can you show me she’s annoyed, rather than tell me?
Love the personality in the paragraph where she’s considering her response. However I did think that only the first response was thought, the second one was actually said. It took me a moment to realise she’d only considered saying the pigment line. Maybe the thoughts shouldn’t be in quotation marks? I don’t know on that one.
Why does this jump into present tense? – He's just a ghost. All he's ever been able to do is haunt her.
Wow, what an ending. Fascinating, really well written stuff. Great job!
Like the others who already posted, I find this is a captivating idea. Already I'm desperate to know what happened to evoke this kind of reaction to her 13 years after her father's crime.
A few things to think about:
You could mention she didn't recognise the blonde girl straight up. It would explain why she gave her the time of day, and would make what the girl said seem even meaner.
I liked the smart comments she 'thought' – although I had the same reaction to Katherine – and assumed she'd spoken the line about the skin pigmentation. But even the reference to it ups the stakes for what the father did (or didn't do as the case may be).
It seemed a bit odd that she stopped and really thought about the girl's question. Surely she'd heard it all before, unless she was feeling a bit sensitive that day – or she hadn't had a direct confrontation for a while and it took her by surprise. That would also set you up for the brooding in class later.
I do still remember a few things about being four, so not such a big stretch for me – except I don't think she would have understood why at the time. I liked that she remembered her father's kind eyes.
A great start. I'd definitely read more!
Taylor ignored the snickering, she was used to it.
Use a semicolon instead of the comma.
Cut this: Taylor responded, annoyed. She hardly expected a sleep over invitation.
father died when she was 4 years old, now at 17 it's like he never existed.
Replace the comma with a period.
I really love the writing in here! And I'm thinking, is the father really a ghost? I really love the characterization and everything. Very well done!
Hey
Not sure if I'm adding anything that hasn't been said' but I agree I was skeptical that the kids would be so terrible to her after all that time had passed until you mention in that last sentence that she also has some issue… You might want to focus on that quicker and less on her fathers misdeed…or have her compare them a bit even…good strong start…good luck with your book!
Thanks a lot for the comments. I'll have to play with the interal comments a little and see how it works.
And as for the present tense,the problem is I really like that line! So I think I've just ignored it, but I'm not sure why its tripping me up so much. Maybe because I'm talking about the past, in past tense (its like a double negative righ? lol) I'll have to play with that too, see if I can correct it but keep what I love about it.
Thanks, yea I'll have to work in some of those thing while I'm playing with the othes, I feel like I've already got a list of things to change in just 500 words! lol
Thanks! Product of a public schooling education here (at least that's my excuse) I swear I never learned a thing about grammar (and very little about puncuation) and its been a bit of an uphill battle over that last few years. So it's appreciated, those are things I would have never caught on my own.
Thank you very much. It never hurts to repeat, that way the writer knows its not just one persons opinion.
Not sure if this is part of the plan but I was working on a some changes and thought I'd post them here. I'm also not sure if anyone is even still lurking here, but I'd appreciate a “thumbs up” or “thumbs down” to the changes!
Taylor took one long, deep breath before opening the door to her own personal hell.
Two dozen heads turned to look at her as she walked in, then the whispers began.
“Why doesn't she just stay home?”
“I swear, I shiver every time I look into her eyes,” a boy whispered.
“Then don’t! I bet she’d curse you,” his friend said next to him.
Taylor ignored their laughter and sat at her desk. She would never show them how they affected her. It was always the same, every day, though occasionally they’d throw in a new twisted rumor to keep the excitement up.
Just as she was about to pull out an old letter hidden among her pile of books a deep sound, like someone clearing their throat, caught her attention. Over the years she had become good at ignoring the people around her and their taunts. But today curiosity got the best of her. Turning her head slowly, wary, she saw a pretty blonde girl smiling at her. A girl Taylor had never seen before.
“Yes?” Taylor asked, realizing the girl was trying to get her attention.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Go right ahead.” Taylor responded, annoyed. She hardly expected a sleep over invitation.
“What's it like having a murderer for a father?” the girl said more loudly, her smile never leaving her face.
Even a new girl in town knew of the rumors. Taylor could only imagine what she had heard.
But she knew this girl didn’t actually care about the answer to her question, she was just looking to get a few social ladder points for being so brave, and of course being mean to the schools verbal punching bag. Quickly she considered a few responses that would stop her in her tracks: “What's it like being a total…”– no, no need for another trip the office, “It's great! He taught me how to skin a human right before he died. I really like your pigmentation, by the way.” She smiled despite herself. But really, none of that was true.
“I don't have a father,” she finally said.
Her father died when she was four years old. Now, she was seventeen, a senior in high school. Her father was no more a part of her life than if he had never existed. Like a ghost, all he’s ever been able to do is haunt her.
The bell rang to signal the start of class, cutting her riveting conversation with the new girl short. Mr. Macintyre, a large man with a bushy gray beard, stood to face the class. As he began babbling Taylor began considering the rumors, the whispers. The Hatred. As much as her peers often made it seem like it was about her father she knew there was much more to it. They feared her. She just couldn’t figure out why.
All she knew was that they started when her father died. Sometimes she wished she had been younger, like her brother Caleb, when her father died. Then she could have escaped the nasty rumors that followed their family after the crash. But then she wouldn't remember her father's kind eyes.
She didn't believe for a second what they said about him. Caleb didn't have that luxury. At least she knew if her father wasn't the monster they made him out to be, maybe she wasn't either.
Since I am now editing Stacey's work containing this excerpt, I'll save my comments for the actual chapters that I'm currently reading.